Perspective

It is amazing how time and perspective are related.  The longer the amount of time, the more you have the ability to look at a situation with (at the very least) rationality and appreciation, and in some cases understanding.

Two years ago was one of the hardest times of my life thus far.  We lost our first baby.  Yes, I was only 8 weeks along, but it was still a baby.  Last year, I saw and heard my little Jackson's heart beat.  And now he is here and going on 6 months old.

So now, as I hold my precious son in my arms, how do I feel about our miscarriage?  It is a hard question to answer, even now.  On one hand, it still fills me with sadness to know that there was going to be a child that we were not able to meet, that didn't have a chance at life.  On the other hand, without that situation, I would not have Jackson, who I cannot imagine life without and I love more than I ever thought possible.  I know that I would have the same feelings and emotions had our first baby been healthy.  But it wasn't and now I have my baby boy.

So here is the conclusion I have come to:  It is all evidence of God's goodness.  Was it good that we lost a baby?  Of course not.  And just as it grieved our hearts, it grieved God's heart.  God does not sit in apathy as the world (and His children) hurt.  It hurts Him as a Father who watches His children in pain and struggle.  And He hates it.  He hates is so much that He sent His son to suffer and die that we might not.   Yes, there will be pain this side of heaven because of sin.  But in the time between now and when God redeems the earth of sin, we have a God that suffers with us, who empathizes with our pain because He Himself experienced our pain and more.  And out of that pain and suffering comes the greatest gift we could ever receive:  salvation.  That is how I view our experience the past couple of years (on a much smaller scale of course).  Out of pain and suffering came a great blessing, our baby Jackson.  So, yes, it saddens me that we lost a child, but I am so thankful for the child I now have that would not be here if our circumstances had been different.  So I give God all the glory, in our pain and joy, and am confident of His constant love and His blessings.